Sudden Passion

I seem to be reaching a stage of life where I have real passion. Always, I have cared about my work and poured myself into it. I built things I was proud of and could feel good about. But I may be discovering true passion for the first time in my life.

Something blooms inside me when I discuss certain topics. Not the methodical blooming of a flower each morning; but like a fractal being drawn on a computer screen. It expands in my chest with heat, power and an urgency new to my experience and pushes out to my whole body like a newly created star.

Passion is being redefined in my head by these experiences. The past feelings where I was energized by ideas seem not to have been passionate at all.

This new thing I feel is urgency. That I've glimpsed a possible future state for the world and I am unbearably anxious that it might not happen; that I cannot bear not striving for that thing.

The bubbling urgent energy springs anew each time I mentally wander these paths. The passion doesn't bloom in other areas. It is a new feeling and a new sense, detecting a new thing inside myself.

Am I discovering the driver of the rest of my career and life? When young I was driven by enthusiasm for achievement, recognition, and neat opportunities. The last few years have been driven by the same, but also mere duty as they fell in strength. What importance are these once one has seen enough of the world and has a view of adult life?

Passion in others evokes envy - why do I lack this special thing - and disdain - what trick lets them sustain this state, that I doubt is real. Others' passion confuses me about who I am and scares me with worries of my own mental limitations. They feel something I don't see to feel, so which of us is lacking?

As of today, I recognize the reality of passion. It is a real mental state and I am starting to know where it lies in me. It is a new area to explore. I am excited.

I need to write about my passion triggers, perhaps in a mind map before text. The ideas of ambient software to improve our communities, our lifestyles, our healthcare are all tied up together in it. I'm ready to build software that listens a lot and speaks little. That helps us be who we individually want to be, seamlessly blended into our lives.